by clicking the "Next" arrow.
by clicking on the page.
the page around when zoomed in by dragging it.
the zoom using the slider when zoomed-in.
by clicking on the zoomed-in page.
by entering text in the search field, and select "This Issue" or "All Issues"
by clicking on thumbnails to select pages, and then press the print button.
displays sections with thumbnails and descriptions.
displays a slider of thumbnails. Click on a page to jump.
allows you to browse the full archive.
about your subscription?
Mindful : June 2016
Toward yourself as a parent Reflect on your expectations for yourself. How does the desire to be perfect influence your experience? It might be judging your own actions, or even thoughts. I shouldn’t be so frustrated. I should be calmer. I should be happier. How does it affect your decision-making? He’s already too busy but needs to take that class if he wants to get into a good college. She doesn’t need a new phone but everyone else is getting one. Also notice where thoughts of “should” impede change, since creating a new habit means admitting you’re not perfect to star t. I’ve been far too irritated around home- work lately, and that’s not how Iwanttoact.Ineedtofind another way to manage. Toward your significant other and children Now take a moment to reflect on the expectations—or even demands—you make of your par tner or child. Maybe your kids can’t sit through a meal or are always arguing with one another. Per- haps your spouse constantly runs late. These are real frus- trations, and you don’t have to be happy about them. But is it possible that expecting perfection is mak- ing you (and them) just feel worse? You really wish you could sleep on weekends, but how much is the belief about “should” do adding to the stress of the morning? What might change if you dropped that expectation, and managed what was left? Great Expectations Let go of the irksome “shoulds” you impose on yourself and others. Toward family events Next time a family occasion approaches, take a similar moment to reflect. So often we have idealized pictures of what birthdays or July 4th weekends or vacations must look like in order to successful. That our kids get cranky when tired and Uncle Joe always says something embarrass- ing—these details don’t fit. When we aim for some movie-like recreation, or to repeat a rosy childhood memory, life falls shor t more often than not. Maybe every- one getting together without bodily harm and having a few laughs over what didn’t go as planned is as perfect as some par ticular gathering will ever will be. Are you aware of the silent expectations you hold for yourself, those around you, and the situations in your life? Try looking at these “shoulds” from three differ- ent vantage points: you, the other, the whole picture. Note: If you are not a parent, you can likely find relation- ships in your life where you place unrealistic expectations on yourself and others. tion and makes success less likely. When adults feel the same, it just increases their anger and frustration. In fact, when a parent initially rec- ognizes that a child doesn’t want to be forgetful (it’s a common aspect of ADHD) they generally describe a relationship shift with both that child and ADHD itself—even before finding a solution to the forgetfulness. This doesn’t mean acting falsely upbeat. In fact, sometimes a new understanding of ADHD leads parents to believe they “should” be more patient and able to handle it. But ADHD can be frustrating, managing it difficult, and you can- not feel different than you actually feel. With or without ADHD, it’s always OK to recognize our stress, disappointments, and flaws as a parent. Then, by settling and recommitting to do the best we’re able, we move forward again. Letting go of perfectionism allows for more practical, nonjudgmental solutions around ADHD and anywhere else in life. Answers arise when we see things more realistically, glancing past the fixed views of “should.” For ADHD, that means one thing. When it comes to aiming to improve somewhere else, it means something different. Whatever your goal, just mucking around in your own “should” is only going to cause unnecessary pain and slow you down. So next time you find yourself thinking, “I should” in that way, pause. Notice the voice and any pattern it represents, and address it. As a class participant once shared about speaking to her Inner Critic, “Thanks for the feedback, but I’m done should-ing on myself today.” → June 2016 mindful 51 well-being