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Mindful : June 2014
Illustration by Jason Lee 66 mindful June 2014 Tuning In How often do you feel really listened to? How often do you really listen to others? (Be honest.) We know we’re in the presence of a good listener when we get that sweet, affirming feeling of really being heard. But sadly it occurs all too rarely. We can’t force others to listen, but we can improve our own listening, and perhaps inspire others by doing so. Good listening means mindful listening. Like mindfulness itself, listening takes a combination of intention and attention. The intention par t is having a genuine interest in the other person—their experiences, views, feelings, and needs. The attention par t is being able to stay present, open, and unbiased as we receive the other’s words—even when they don’t line up with our own ideas or desires. Paradoxically, being good at listening to others requires the ability to listen to your- self. If you can’t recognize your own beliefs and opinions, needs and fears, you won’t have enough inner space to really hear anyone else. So the foundation for mindful listening is self-awareness. Here are some tips to be a good listener to yourself so you can be a good listener for others. David Rome is a certified Mindful Focusing trainer. 1 Check inside: “How am I feeling just now? Is there any thing get- ting in the way of being present for the other person?” If some- thing is in the way, decide if it needs to be addressed first or can wait till later. 2 Feeling your own sense of presence, ex tend it to the other person with the intention to listen fully and openly, with interest, empathy, and mindfulness. 3 Silently note your own reac- tions as they arise—thoughts, feelings, judgments, mem- ories. Then return your full at tention to the speaker. For more on mindfulness practice, go to mindful.org/ inpractice. To submit questions about techniques, the workplace, or relationships and home life, email email@example.com 4 Reflect back what you are hearing, using the speaker’s own words when possible, paraphrasing or summarizing the main point. Help the other person feel heard. 5 Use friendly, open-ended questions to clarif y your under- standing and probe for more. Affirm before you differ. Acknowledge the other per- son’s point of view—acknowl- edging is not agreeing!—before introducing your own ideas, feelings, or requests. ● techniques in practice